Going deep down and up again

Monday we had a rough night. What started with practising a bit with ropes ended in a drama.

Master had tied my arms and legs together with a very nice rope bondage. It looked great and we took some pictures. Since I’m a photographer I’m very critical with pictures and since I was bound…. I couldn’t do anything than give Master instructions how to make it and what settings to use. (Yeah, when he makes pictures of me it’s my only chance to tell him what to do, lol) Master is really getting better at making pictures, he didn’t need much instructions and I was very satisfied. After making pictures he put me on the bed, head down. He started to cane me a little and soon he hit a bit harder. I noticed that I couldn’t handle that much. ( I hate it when I can’t handle pain…) He hit me some more with the cane, but soon grabbed a whip. He calls it the scorpion, I think a better name is asshole. It’s a long single tail whip with a big leather strap at the end. It’s quite mean….He whipped me a bit, but I had the feeling that he was holding back. I know that Master is very sadistic and he hates holding back… So I really thought he didn’t really like what he was doing. Usually I can handle more pain, but Monday I just couldn’t. He stopped whipping me and pushed a big dildo inside my cunt. He continued the whipping. I felt more and more insecure. He didn’t say much, even after some hard strokes he didn’t really say ‘good girl’ as he usually does. (or I didn’t hear him, I don’t know anymore). He didn’t smile (He usually has that big sadistic grin on his face) I really thought he didn’t enjoy it that much. He put the eroscillator between my legs and it made me come two times, but I felt I didn’t deserve it. I really couldn’t handle much more pain, but he told me that I would get 50 strokes and then it would be  over. 50? :O Oh God! I don’t think I can do that. I tried to soothe myself a bit, I wanted to do this for him. He gave me 50 strokes and made me count. I counted only 49, but he said that he gave me another one after I said  49. I can’t remember. I noticed I started to panic a little. Being tied up for a long time is still really hard for me even during play. (Being tied up and left alone, or being tied up for a long time not during playing is a big limit for me) Now the play ended, he lied down next to me trying to hug me. The rope on my hands were slipping off a bit. I really wanted him to untie me. I sometimes feel really claustrophobic when I’m tied up. I really started to panic now and I tried to move my hands a bit so that the rope would get a bit more loose. He thought I was trying to get the ropes of and grabbed my hands firmly. He even pulled to ropes a bit tighter around my wrists. I noticed that I couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like he was still whipping me even when he told it would be over after 50. I felt trapped and I tried to push him away. I wanted to scream that he had to untie me, but I know I can’t say those kind of things. I don’t have a safeword, but I can’t ask him nicely anymore. Oh God I felt so trapped. I tried to wrestle him, but he is much stronger. I cried, I screamed, I told him I hate him. He untied me. Walked away mad. I was furious and scared at the same time. He didn’t come back. I took a hot shower, trying to calm myself down. When I finished my shower he was already in bed. I felt exhausted and got into bed.

I wanted to talk about what happened. Explain how I felt. I tried to make contact. He pushed me away. I cried softly, but I noticed that I couldn’t hold my eyes open for very long. I tried to lay a little closer to him. He pushed me away. I really thought it was over, that he didn’t want me anymore. I didn’t know myself if I wanted to continue. It went too far, being tied up so long is a boundary. He crossed it and I let him, I couldn’t ask him to untie me. I couldn’t be polite anymore, so I didn’t say anything until it was too late. I felt mad, mad on myself for having such a stupid boundary, mad on him because he didn’t understand. He turned around told me to go the cellar and wait till he would come. He had never put me in that dirty hole. It’s not a nice and clean cellar with wine or so, but a dirty dark, not ventilated hole full of spiders. (we’re renovating the house, so lots of dust and dirt).I didn’t really know what to do. A part of me wanted to go, another part of me wanted to take off my collar and run away. I wanted to beg him to talk, not to make me go there, but I also wanted to use my fists on his face. I was so angry. So many contradictory feelings. I felt exhausted and couldn’t fight him anymore. I wasn’t able to talk anyway. So I walked out of the living room (the only finished room in our house) and stepped into the dirty and dark hallway, using my phone  to light the way to the dark hole. I opened the door (really there is no fresh air in that hole) killed some spiders on my way and sat down at the end of the stairs. It was dark, dirty, cold and the air was dead. I cried, I felt so alone. He knows that being locked up for a long time in a dark small room is also a limit. I just hoped that he wouldn’t cross it and would come for me soon.

After a while I calmed down, trying to think if I wanted this. One part of me told me to run away, get out of that shit hole, get in my car and drive away. The other part told me I deserved this. I  have stupid boundaries, I didn’t give myself completely to him, I told him I hate him…..I deserve this. I was very confused. I started shaking from cold and hoped that he would come. I didn’t know if I hated him more or less. I was scared that he would come and hurt me. I was scared that he wouldn’t come at all. I was so tired and exhausted so I closed my eyes for a moment. Of course I couldn’t sleep. Minutes passed slowly, hope that he would come for me faded away. I cried softly, shaking heavily. I felt I couldn’t breathe. Strange enough after a while I calmed down a bit, I didn’t really feel the hate anymore and I just felt guilty and worthless. I heard his footsteps. He was coming for me. I was scared I thought he would hurt me. He opened the door and walked down the stairs. I was all curled up, holding myself tightly. I couldn’t look at him. He stroke my hair and my back and sat with me for a while. He helped me up, holding me tight. He helped me to the living room and put me on my sheepskin next to the bed. He wrapped a blanket around me and got himself in bed. He stroke my back a little and told me it was okay now. He told me to get onto my knees when I was warm enough. It took a while to warm up again and stop shaking. I got onto my knees, still not looking at him. He told me it was okay I could come back into bed and we would talk the next day. I didn’t believe him, it didn’t feel okay for me. I felt the anger coming back. He crossed a boundary and came very close to cross another one by making me sit in that hole for so long. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I felt dirty and exhausted. I went to the bathroom and took another shower. After that I got in bed. I curled up against him, he hold me and kissed me. I felt calmer and we fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up very confused. I love him so much, but I needed a break. I asked him to take off my collar. He did. We hugged and cried. He had to go to work. He said we would talk tonight. I slept the rest of the morning. In the evening we had a good conversation. I told him how I felt during play. How I thought he didn’t really like it. I told him how insecure I felt. It really was a good conversation. We both knew that we still wanted to continue this. Yesterday evening he put my collar back on. Although it was off for almost 2 days, I still called him Master and asked permission for everything, lol. It was a heavy night…with lots of heavy feelings and emotions, but I realise that I’m so happy to be his slave and that I love him very, very much and I know that he loves me back. Today I feel good. I feel relieved that my collar is back on and that I’m his.

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One thought on “Going deep down and up again

  1. Pingback: Emily’s weekly Diary | Emily enslaved

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