I’m allowed to have limits, but I’m not very happy about it. Having limits give me the feeling of not completely surrendering myself to Master. I know that some limits are actually quite normal, as in he is not allowed to cut off limbs or killing me… but I have more limits, also ‘softer’ limits. I’m quite claustrophobic and being locked up for a long time in a cage or cellar is a limit to me. Also needles, heavy electro play, drinking his piss are limits to me. I know that Master doesn’t like needle play himself, so that’s not a problem, but I do have the feeling that with some of my limits I’m holding myself from total surrender. I think it’s the same as having safe words. When we started playing I had safe words, I hated it to use them of course and I only used them once or twice…..but the idea of having a little control irritates me. I don’t want that control and at the same time I do want a little control. I’m afraid when I have no safe words things go too far and I’ll stop liking bdsm and being his slave. The same goes for limits. I like the idea of having no limits, but what if he starts to do things I’m really afraid of, or things I can’t handle at all?
A few weeks ago we decided to stop using safe words. I think it was a relief for me. Now I don’t have to worry about using them. When I know I almost can’t handle the pain anymore… I just have to endure, and surrender. I know that he won’t damage me permanently, so playing without safe words feels safe to me. It’s a different story with giving up my limits. I know that there are things he likes to do which I’m really afraid of or disgust by, like drinking his piss. (his bladder is HUGE and I can’t drink a litre at once anyway :-p ). He actually likes a lot of things… almost everything that gives him the feeling of having power over me. I know that he won’t use all those things, but the idea of having the power to do those things to me gives him pleasure. Like locking me up in a cage while he is working at home. Although he told me he won’t do that every time he works at home, or even every month, but just the idea that he can lock me up for the rest of the day, gives him a thrill. To me being locked up for a long time is pretty scary and I’m not comfortable with being locked up for more than 2-3 hours or so. He knows that of course, but having that limit feels safe…. Deep inside me I feel having that limit is wrong. It’s too safe for me…I don’t like the idea to give him less power. In my head I want him to do whatever he wants to do to me, even if it leaves scars or kills me. I know it’s not realistic to give up all those limits and jump of the roof if he says so, but deep in my heart I want to give him that power. I trust him enough that he won’t kill or damage me, but do I trust him enough that he won’t lock me up for hours and leave me? Or give me heavy electric shocks? (he is a big sadist after all) I don’t know yet and it frustrates me that I can’t give him that last part of me by giving up my limits.
Yesterday we had a good conversation about limits while having a hot bath 🙂 (In between he fucked me two times, lol) but he understood my feelings and he didn’t ask me or expect me to give up my limits. Today I feel a little calmer about limits and I have more trust that IF I give up my limits, he won’t ‘misuse’ his power everyday 🙂 Damn, I’m so happy to be his!